Dalbir S. Sehmby

Following France’s lead to ban conspicuous religious symbols in public schools, educational systems the world over must aim for a similar ban. In the name of secular neutrality, to ease the pressures of globalization, to combat the rise of militant terrorism, and to build an unprejudiced global society, all religious symbolism must be banned from public institutions.

Secular neutrality is less a political doctrine, than a way of life. As anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of world history knows, international and civil conflicts are most often sparked by religious fervor. France’s own national epic Le Chanson de Roland, pitting Muslims against Christians, favors melodramatic heroics over historical accuracy, and thus, is a long-standing literary testimony to the prejudice religion seeds.

France’s “Loi de laicite” (secular law) seeks to remedy past mistakes and strive for a conflict-free future; the rest of the world must learn from French avant-garde policy makers by embracing the values of neutral nationhood. Secular neutrality calls for a stop to the negative bias religion plays in our lives, in an admittedly idealistic, but practical hope to calm the destructive tides of history. While respecting the personal choice to practice religion, secular neutrality asks us to learn from our past and to stamp out religion in public life, so as to safeguard against the threat of violent conflict.

Initially, the main concern for the unbiased protectors of equality everywhere is certain clothing, headgear, and iconic jewelry, but of course, this will not be enough. If absolute neutrality is to be achieved, a whole-hearted effort needs to be made by all of the nations and all of the people of the world, regardless of class, creed, race, or religion. We are entering an era of collapsing borders and globalization, and thus it is all the more urgent to vehemently strike any religious symbolism from our public life. As a result, for their blatant reference to religious heritage, the United Nations is calling for an immediate ban on the following first names: Paul, Joseph, Mary, Peter, John, and Ezekiel. The UN Special Task Force on Neutralizing Names will keep you posted each week with new names to be henceforth stricken from every human language.

Eventually, this action against religious symbolism will apply to any name with a linguistic link to a religious text, such as Muhammad or the ever-popular Joan (and of course, its variants). Anyone who bears such a “religiously-oriented” name is politely asked to make the appropriate change towards a non-conspicuous moniker. If a suitable name is not acquired in thirty days, then experts recommend naming your children in terms of random number sequences or to adopt the title of popular brand names, such as Nike, Adidas, or The Gap. While such names may seem tacky to us now, with globalization, we predict such brand names will be as common as the terribly old-fashioned and religiously volatile Michael is today. If such an option is not appealing, please feel free to name your newborn after your favorite household furniture, such as “Inclined Rocker” or “Spring Coil Mattress.”

Rather than teaching tolerance and the respectful acceptance of different belief systems, viewpoints, and cultures in public schools, any religious references in literature, painting, music, or cinema must be necessarily adjusted. This is the most effective way to combat terrorist tendencies, for it is from our artistic heritage and mass media that we are brainwashed by the zealous bias of religion. As science tells us, ancient Greek gods and goddesses must, henceforth, be referred to as what they actually are: “Fakes” and “Fakesses.”

Religiously oriented frescoes, stained glass windows, embroidered carpets, mandalas, and other such misguided monuments of malice need to undergo serious reassessment; we have to recognize the frivolous displays of the past for the serious nuisance to public life that they are today – before it’s too late. “The Godfather of Soul” James Brown can be just as easily referred to as “That Guy who Dances Really Well.” In the name of absolute neutrality, any and all references made in The Matrix to Neo as “The Chosen One,” should be changed to Neo, “The Dude with the Shades.”

If the movies have taught us anything, it is to judge people by their appearances. If one dresses a particular way, then we can assume one’s income level, political beliefs, tendencies for violence, and favorite soup. For instance, everyone knows that if a woman is dressed in an all black hooded dress, chances are she’s either the wicked witch or a ninja – and who can trust ninjas? If you are fat, you eat too much. If you are old, you are senile. If you are wearing a cross, you are a religious fanatic. If you’re wearing a turban, you must be Osama. It’s that simple. And the solution is as well.

The International Neutrality League acknowledges a short and possibly uncomfortable adjustment period, when holidays, history books, and every living human being has to deny the vast influence religious heritage has on our daily lives. However, we must allow ourselves to be guided by absolute reason. Customs, habits, diet, popular culture, and dress are but a small short-term cost for the everlasting glory of secular neutrality. With the goal of absolute neutrality close at hand, as a global community of peace loving advocates against prejudice, we must not abandon the love that accepting Neutrality will bring.

Let the Neutral touch your heart, your soul, your body, and your mind. Neutrality will set you free. Neutrality will set humankind free. Free of prejudice. Free of religious tradition. Free of religious symbolism. Free of the shackles that bind humans in sin. Let Freedom reign. Free at last, free at last, Oh Neutrality All Mighty, we’re free at last!


Author's Note: The Neutral Solution is a humorous reflection inspired by the French ban on "conspicuous religious symbols." In a satirical fashion, the essay points out the biased attitude inherent in identifying certain public displays (especially clothing, turbans, etc.) as potentially dangerous, while overlooking the more normative and entrenched displays of the religious majority. I believe this article will quell the sense of tension and exclusion felt by people directly experiencing the ban.

Copyright ©2004 Dalbir S. Sehmby.   About The Author